I'm Hungry!
by Dragon Mistress
Summary: Sirius' quest for a snack! Thrill as he drives the rest of the Order to the brink of insanity!


**Disclaimer:** No, I don't own the Order of the Phoenix, or any other Harry Potter characters. Though if J.K. Rowling was willing to give me Sirius and Remus, I'd be the happiest girl in the world.  
  
**WARNINGS:** Slight SLASH implications, Sirius/Remus. You're used to it by now.   
  
**SPOILERS: **Minor ones for _Order of the Phoenix_ and _Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them_.  
  
**Summary:** Sirius' quest for a snack! Thrill as he drives the rest of the Order to the brink of insanity!  
  
  
  
~**I'm Hungry!**~  
  
  
One warm July night at Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, the Order of the Phoenix were gathering for a very important meeting concerning some new information on the Dark Lord. Dumbledore and Hagrid had just arrived from Hogwarts, making the group complete. Well, almost complete. As Dumbledore stood to begin the meeting, he realised someone was absent.  
  
Um - does anyone know where Sirius is?  
  
Who cares? Snape grumbled.  
  
Remus groaned in exasperation. He'd better not still be in bed. I told him a nap was fine - as long as he remembered to get up in time for the meeting. I'll go get him.  
  
But before he could rise from his chair, the kitchen door opened and a very bleary, sleepy-looking Sirius Black trudged in, brushing his long raven hair out of his eyes. Evening, all, he mumbled.  
  
There you are, love, Remus said, relieved. Come on, sit down so we can get started.  
  
Sirius looked around, and, seeing no available seats, plopped down in Remus' lap. I'm hungry, he stated.  
  
Supper's not until after the meeting, Mrs. Weasley said, and Dumbledore began spreading sheets of parchment out on the table.   
  
Through Severus' connections, we've gotten these plans, Dumbledore said as everyone leaned forward curiously for a look. They're layouts of several Death Eater hideouts Voldemort has organized throughout London -  
  
I'm hungry, Sirius repeated. Remus pinched his thigh, and Sirius yelped. Dumbledore continued as if there had been no interruption.  
  
So you see, It's extremely important that we keep tabs on all those entering and exiting these buildings - Mundungus, I think we can count on you to do that - but on the other hand, it will be difficult to know when people are Apparating or Disapparating inside. There's a few charms that might help here - but I don't think they're very good in the long run...  
  
Sirius' stomach grumbled loudly. Remus buried his face in his hands in embarrassment.  
  
I'm hungry, Sirius said in the pause that came after Dumbledore stopped speaking.  
  
Will - you - shut - UP! Mrs. Weasley hissed. It's not _time_ to eat!  
  
My stomach says it is, Sirius contradicted her.  
  
Dumbledore cleared his throat loudly. Sirius and Mrs. Weasley jumped, and fell silent. Looking pleased, Dumbledore sat and nodded to Snape. Severus... kindly enlighten us on how you happened to get these plans.  
  
Snape stood, casting a dirty look at Sirius, whose tummy was still grumbling. It wasn't easy, sir... I had to do a lot of work persuading Lucius Malfoy that I really needed them...  
  
Sirius mumbled unhappily, resting his head on Remus' shoulder. He was starving. Lunch felt like it had been a million years ago. And why were they all denying him? He had been living on extremely short rations for almost fifteen years. Come on! He weighed a hundred and fifteen pounds here! Not healthy for a six-foot-one, thirty-five-year-old male. He could count his own ribs! And come to think of it, he was probably going to die of scurvy or something!  
  
Rubbing his tummy, he cast a sneaky look around the room, hoping there was something edible within reach that he could snag. No dice. The table was littered with parchment, quills, and bottles of ink. As desperate as he was, Sirius was not desperate enough to eat paper or random birds' feathers.  
  
As he sat there, wasting away, his thoughts wandered from Snape's boring, neverending speech to all manner of candies and snacks. Those marshmallow chickens Muggles sold at Easter. A big slice of pizza, covered in cheese. Doughnuts with sprinkles. Watermelon with whipped cream on top. Sirius moaned longingly. The delicious éclairs and chocolate mousse pie that Remus could make, if he didn't eat all the chocolate before he started. Cherries jubilee....  
  
Sirius, you're disgusting, Hestia Jones' voice cut through his thoughts, and Sirius emerged from his pleasant daydream to find the rest of the Order glaring at him. He realised he had been drooling all over himself. Remus was patting his robes dry with a handful of tissues.  
  
Honestly, love! Can't you pay attention?  
  
But... I'm hungry, Remmie, Sirius whined.  
  
Eat this, then, Snape smirked unpleasantly, flipping something to Sirius. It was a breath mint.  
  
Is this what I think it is, _Snivellus_? Sirius yelled.  
  
You desperately need it, Black!  
  
Are you implying my breath stinks?!  
  
Glad to see you're not _entirely_ dense, Snape snapped.  
  
I'll have you know, I brushed my teeth today!  
  
Dumbledore was looking slightly impatient. If you're finished, gentlemen....  
  
Sirius and Snape fell silent. With a satisfied nod, Dumbledore turned to Kingsley Shacklebolt. Kingsley... what were you saying about Ministry spies?  
  
Sirius tried to listen as Kingsley talked about several members of the Ministry who were reporting Anti-Ministry actions' to Fudge. But it was hard to look at Kingsley when he talked. His bald head was round and shiny, like an egg, and his dark skin reminded Sirius of chocolate candies. Combined, Kingsley made him think of chocolate Easter eggs. He pressed a hand against his stomach and found himself looking at Tonks.  
  
Her hair was the same bright pink colour as those marshmallow chickens, or maybe those snack cakes with the pink-frosted shredded coconut on top. Sirius fought an urge to drool. Her hair was the same colour as the pink-frosted doughnuts with multicoloured sprinkles that Remus bought for Sunday morning breakfast. The same colour as strawberry ice cream... the same colour as those nauseating pink jelly beans Muggle children sometimes ate.  
  
*CHOMP.*  
  
Tonks screeched as Sirius came out of his daydream and realised he had a mouthful of his cousin's hair.   
  
SIRIUS! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Remus yelled.  
  
That _hurt_! Tonks cried, clutching her head.  
  
I'm sorry! Sirius wailed. It was so pink, I couldn't help it! I'm hungry!  
  
You didn't have to eat my HEAD! Tonks yelled, over Snape's sniggering.  
  
Mrs. Weasley looked livid. she yelled, pointing a quill at Sirius' eyes, ARE A DISGRACE! I CAN SEE WHY YOUR MOTHER BLASTED YOU OFF THE FAMILY TREE! YOU'RE INSANE!!  
  
I can' see why he wanted to take a bite outta Tonks' head, Hagrid said. I've got some rock cakes in me pocket, Sirius. Want one?  
  
Yes, please! Sirius eagerly accepted the cake Hagrid offered him. I'm sorry, everybody...  
  
It took several minutes for everyone to calm down and get back on track. Once Tonks had forgiven Sirius (and changed her hair colour to a _very_ unappetizing puke-green), and Snape had stopped laughing, Kingsley was able to get back to what he had been saying.  
  
Licking his lips in anticipation, Sirius raised Hagrid's cake to his mouth. Now, I will pause here to tell you that even though Sirius had had sufficient experience in the horrors of Hagrid's cooking back during his own Hogwarts days, he had forgotten it all - even the memorable stew in which he, James, and Remus had found tails and small bones, while Peter had been coughing up furballs.  
  
He bit into the cake. Or, rather, he _tried_ to bite into it. His teeth refused to make a dent. He bit harder. The cake was as hard as cement. Sirius stopped trying to bite it, and looked at it thoughtfully. Maybe he could break it apart piece by piece and suck on it that way.  
  
He tried to break it, but he couldn't do it. He rapped the cake against the edge of the table. Nothing happened. Growling softly, he hit the cake hard against the table. It made a large dent in the table, but the cake itself was unharmed.  
  
Unaware that he now had the attention of everyone else in the room, Sirius raised the cake over his head and brought it down on the table.  
  
*CRACK!*  
  
Splinters flew, and a huge chunk of the table fell to the floor along with the cake, still perfectly fine despite all its adventures. Sirius jumped to his feet in a rage and seized the poker from next to the fireplace. DAMNABLE DESSERT! he shouted, hitting the cake repeatedly with the poker.  
  
  
  
Sirius looked up. Everyone was glaring at him. He looked down at the cake, a little dirty and sprinkled with splinters, but still in good shape. Then he looked at the poker, which was bent and twisted out of shape.  
  
Er - ooops?  
  
Several krunkled-up balls of parchment, a few broken quills, a shoe, and Moody's magical eye hit him in the head.  
  
Come on now, you're ever so mean! Sirius pouted, kicking the rock cake aside and returning the shoe and the eye to their rightful owners.  
  
You know, Sirius, the faster we get the meeting done, the sooner you'll be eating supper, Emmeline Vance pointed out.  
  
Sirius stuck his tongue out at her, very immature, and resumed his seat on Remus' knee. But I'm hungry.  
  
Then let's get this over with, Snape hissed. Shut up, Black.  
  
You're not the boss of me, Snivellus.  
  
But _I_ am, Remus growled, pinching Sirius' arm. And I say - stop it NOW, love.  
  
The rest of the Order tittered as Sirius blushed and fell silent.  
  
Very good, Dumbledore said. Though he was normally a very patient person, his left eye was twitching. A part of him was wondering, for what felt like the trillionth time, what he had been smoking in order to let Sirius into the Order in the first place. Oh, right. Sirius had thrown a temper tantrum, thinking he was going to be denied. And Dumbledore could attest to the fact that Sirius could out-scream anything he'd ever met. Sirius' screams could probably drive someone insane faster and more effectively than Fwooper song.  
  
Right, then. I've gotten reports from other spies that Voldemort is trying to get ahold of something.... as to what it may be... no one's figured that out yet. Even the most trusted Death Eaters in Voldemort's little group don't have that information yet. It will take time and unrelenting effort to find out what he is hiding....  
  
Sirius rolled his eyes, resting his head on Remus' shoulder. He was bored. And very hungry. By now, he felt like there was some large bear in his stomach fighting to get out, growling loudly.  
  
.... I believe that's all for today.  
  
Startled, Sirius realised Dumbledore was standing, organizing his papers. He Vanished them with a wave of his wand, the other Order members beginning to move around. He had missed the end of the meeting... he wondered what that thing Voldemort wanted so badly was. But that thought faded into insignificance as Mrs. Weasley began taking plates out of the dresser and bustling round the stove.  
  
he cried happily.   
  
If you want to eat, Sirius, set the table, please, Mrs. Weasley requested, sounding a little irritated.  
  
Sure thing, Molly dearest!  
  
  
***  
  
  
Supper had been magnificent, yet another proud tribute to Molly's wonderful cooking skills. It was chicken pie, Sirius' favourite. He ate three large helpings, prompting Fred to inquire if he hadn't had enough of Remus to eat the night before. Fred received a wadded-up napkin to the head from Sirius and a sharp reprieve from his mother for his curiosity.  
  
Pleasantly full and sleepy, Sirius was already in bed before he realised something.  
  
Hey... Remmie, I didn't get any dessert!  
  
Remus smirked, climbing into bed beside him. _I'm_ your dessert, love.  
  
Even better. No calories, Sirius grinned, reaching over and switching off the light.  
  
  
  
The End


End file.
